Check-ing In

Things never quite work out like we plan do they? I've never been a good goal maker, not one to really see the future picture, whether big or small. Somewhere along the line I picked up the old adage of "Live for today!" huh

Well, this way of living doesn't work so well when you have a family counting on you. I've watched our money go to bills and cost of living each month for over two years. I've carefully logged, after the fact, where that money has gone but have been very bad about sticking to any kind of budget let alone planning ahead. We've also had just enough to scrape by....not going to cut it anymore.

I recently had a passing thought of James as an teenager. We were discussing food and being polite. I was telling him the same thing my dad used to tell me "Try a little bit of everything. Don't stick your nose up a food when out at someones house. It's not polite."...in my passing thought James replied to this with an "Oh, ok mom, whatever you say". Very teenage boy, lol. First time I had thought of my son as anything more then my little boy...

When I told my husband about this he asked if I ever had any thoughts about us? I just looked at him. After a few minutes I told him that I just thought we'd always be...never thought more about it. Dangerous. We need to grow together, tackle new hobbies together...stuff like that. I have no fear my husband loves me and that we will grow old together but I never really thought about it before. It's like he has been a part of my life forever and will always be there....

I can be a dreamer though...just not when it comes to my personal life. Right now I am going thru some changes and well...they are taking a very long time for me to work thru. Dealing with my thyroid disease, working thru weight and other hormone issues. Attempting to start budgeting, planning ahead.

My husband said to me the other night "I want you to be happy. Find something that makes you happy" He was referring to my job. Now....I've been in this job for 2.5 years. Longest time I've been anywhere let alone sitting at the same desk working with (for the most part) the same people. I've gotten comfortable...

but some things are happening that are shaking up this comfort and I find myself completely torn on what to do. Literally. I can imagine, to some degree, life both ways and have no idea which is better. Are there more then 2 choices? Well, yes...but for now I am limiting myself out of sheer survival. I am NOT a good decision maker.

So, here I sit. Finding ways to relax, yet thinking ahead at the endless possibilities....
but are they endless? I've had 2 people close to me lose their jobs due to lay-offs in the past week! Makes it even harder to shake things up....when there is so much un-certainty out there.

but, changes need to be made, for the sake of my entire family and my own peace of mind. I need to find a way to break out of my shell and start taking control. Start little right? Get bigger. Don't assume. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Keep plugging forward...towards that end

Now, I just need to figure out what that end is.